oh, the guilt. and chaos.

I used to brag about my inability to feel guilty. Man, those were the days.

I feel it growing in me, dark and twisted. I can feel it spreading.

It messes with my head, it makes me act stupid. Stupider.

I can't even look at him. Hug him.

I jump every time he kisses me.

And it's not like I'm doing anything wrong. Really.

But he's being so very good to me. So, so good.

It's just chaotic. And, let's face it, slutty.

But it sort off makes me happy. Momentarily, but really happy.

A hug, a kiss, a touch, a smile. A smart comment. A nice thought.

And there's something about both of them. I just fall.

And then there's the more extended chaos.

The dreaming. Oh, the dreaming.

girl has a thing for artists.

A former anarchist I just had to have, and got to trust me.

A soul musician who was the smartest and sweetest and.

An art lover who turned into the most amazing of men.

A simple guy with a lot more to him than what meet the eye.

An unbelievably talented artist who became my best friend.

A charming performer who dazzled me with his words.

I know how to choose my man.

"The guy who gave me my first kiss and haven't seen since and now has a band with my ex"

"My dad's girlfriend's daughter's ex boyfriend"

I knew how to choose my man.

The little rich bitch's school former leader of the student council.

It would certainly make a nice addition.

Uhm, that guy. I bet that would be fun.

And then there's her..

on the continuity of relationships

i was tourturing myself over my aparent incapacity to put an end to relationships,
when i said hey!
it's true, i don't end things and i let them go on indefinitely, and play dumb..
but why shouldn't i?
i can't think of one good reason for ending it. seriously.
i have fun, they have fun, i'm not hurted, they're not hurted.
and i'm not deseiving anyone.
having a few less hours to sleep and a few "war injuries" is well worth it.
and each one is a particular situation, to which i relate to diffrently.
and i'll stop if i have a reason to. just one single good reason will be enough.
but i'm not gonna be looking for it.
just go with the flow, right honey?

i just hope i don't get too attached where i know i can't get anything else.
hope i'm not being a big fat fool.

cold.

i do not understand why they act oh so surprised.
i did warned them. guess never listening to anything i say has it's price.
or maybe they just didn't take me seriously.
i had to be exagerating. thought it was all part of an image.
oh but if she's just so sweet. and passive, ah?

well there you have it.
of course i'm like this. i'm always like this.
they just really didn't saw it comming did they?
it's funny how even in my loose-loose situation, i'm not hurted.
and i am hurting. almost unintencionally.

it's just too much fun.

happy spring day

i knew already i wasn't the stablest of people
but two break-up's in less than 24 hours is a little too much, even for me.
happy spring day

so i left the boy (i kida liked, but..) for the girl (i spent all week wanting to kill her,
but still i did that, please explain)
the boy wanted out anyway, wich ¿what? fucking men are such cowards.
hurted my ego, but hell i bet i hurted his too.
so we're cool with that, you know, it was a good break up.

so i take a cab to my girl's house cause i don't wanna fight via internet, but i didn't really thought..
and she dumped me, cause she wants a friend, not a girlfriend.. which she's not getting anyway.
and it hurted like hell. that wasn't a good break-up.
it was the crying-hurting-don't-know-what-to-say kind of break-up.

so, basicly, i lost my boy to have fun with, my girl i fucking have feelings for, and my best friend,
all in less than 24 hours.
happy spring day.

still i ended up spending it with the person who loves me the most. and i love the most.
which was actually great. he was great. left me cry, sleep, made me coffee and toasted bread.
and i'm fine. i would be better with the girlfriend i want, but i'm just fine.
i still want things, amazing. i'm where i was some time ago, but whitout being in love whit my ex.
and i'll get by whit a little help from my friends, oh
i'll get high with a little help from my friends.

happy spring day.

troubles.

well the night went horribly wrong, i wanna kill him and he does too.
still we end up at home being "good" to each other, what a hell..
but i'm not thinking bout the boy asleep in my bed, oh no.
i.. feel. my heart's bitting so hard. and i feel.
when look at, when i think of, when i touch..
and it's not good. it's not a possibility.
i keep dreaming off.. i don't know how long i can deny it.
and it is not good.

really, really

just making a record
i'm drunk and happy and it's tree in the afternoon
and i have a goooood boy sleeping in the next room
and i'm talking to long lost friends, who i love and miss
and i actually took iniciative, witch is great
and i'm happy, fucking happy
really truelly happy.

(don't screw it up)

blown away.

i wanna kiss your words
lick them, bite them
i'm not used not to been taken for grounded.

the new improved version of him,
with batteries included.
talks as if it were only natural
and think he sees right through

i like the person you make me
you're almost as complex as i am
almost as fucked-up
(almost)

and i am not
a
complete lesbian, oh no.
i'm just a fucking hore,
but what's the harm?

151 o Un paseo por los fracazos de lu.

comienzo soñandolo despierta hasta la parada,
y por supuesto no pasa (y cuando pasó dijiste que no, encanto, hm)
y pasamos a tres cuadras de la casa de él, y luego a un par
y freackeo en la parada, pero, claro, no.
y a donde sé que lo vi en su cumpleaños, pero eso no importa.

y luego dobla y digo "fuck" y madre comprende
y pasamos por la mismisima puerta de la casa de castro
y es casi como si esas cortinas estuvieran abiertas
y por donde caminamos y, fuck, parecia prometedor.

y por niceto (la calle), donde hay noches taza con hon
y no nos han dejado entrar
y sube chica linda con cintura de avispa al bondi y se estira
y la miro y no la miro porque esta madre al lado, pero comprende
damn coward.

luego hay vista directa hacia tu ventana del noveno piso
donde las luces estan apagadas porque estas en otro pais
solo por un rato mas, espero.
y por supuesto la parada de las despedidas matutinas
casi un hasta luego, que tengas un buen dia amor.. aunque no, no.

te conte que vi una pizza grande a 5 pesos?
mi ex psicologa, ja
nos levantamos para bajar (antes, claro) y la chica linda mira
pero a esta altura tengo una cara de orto que creo que la asusto,
y de todas formas no puedo darme vuelta, aunque se que mira.

cruzo rivadavia con el corazon destrozado,
solo quiero llegar y ponerlo en palabras, quizas sirva mas adelante
y se que este bondi es solo uno, y un gran bondi por cierto
y que en cualquier otro veria otras cosas, aunque quizas no duelan tanto
y se que para atras estaba ale, aunque al dia de la fecha es justo una que tan mal no termino.

y a la ida es casi igual, solo pasa por la puerta de poni
y a un par de cuadras de na
(na, como nati que tiene novio feo? pf no era que no interesaba?)

tengo demaciado vivida la ciudad
aunque claro, me encanta. pero quizas, un descanzo
let me get off the ground so you can throw me right back at it.

because youu're gourgeooous

(no se me ocurre nada mas para el titulo)
creo que lo mas importante es poder seguir caminando.
no veo nada de malo en reconocer que estoy a una cuadra,
ni en mirar hacia alli un momento.
pero el hecho de poder seguir caminando, sin dudarlo siquiera
me parece importante. little steps can take you a long way.

y realmente no veo nada de malo en estar en remera si hace 30 grados a la sombra.
que me miren, que me digan yegua, a mi que?
no voy a pedir perdon por tener tetas, o calor.
y que intenten caminar de otra forma con tacos, pf.

si, es un bajon. realmente queria que funcionara,
y sabes que hubiera puesto todas las fichas para que saliera bien.
pero es como dijiste, la bardeaste cuando me estabas empezando a conocer.
y ya te di suficientes oportunidades que no aprovechaste. bad luck.
aun asi.. es realmente una lastima, porque no suelo encontrar gente que me interese,
y mucho menos que me motive.
y porque hay cosas que me hubiera encantado compartir contigo.

honestamente, no hay nadie con quien preferiria estar encerrada en un baño en una fiesta taza.
y espero que realmente vayamos a brighton.
no se me ocurre nada mas divertido en el mundo.
ana se refirio a vos como "mi chica", y yo me puse muy incomoda
y solo antine a decir "eeheh no es mi chica.. "
no podia explicar que sos mi pareja falsa sin sexo. damn closet.

my lovely sailor:

How's the sea these days? How's the manly crew of that ship?
How're the many citys you visit? Hope you don't get lonely out there.
Here in the big city everything's always the same, ships come and go
but you don't seem to be in any of them lately.
Yet don't think I get bored, the theaters are showing
the more marvelous plays, and I always wound up finding someone
who'll take me out for a nice ride.
As to the mater of this letter, besides of course greeting you,
we didn't get to talk last time you were in land,
your ship had to sale away so quickly you left in the middle of the night.
I must be honest with you, because I have for you the deepest affection,
and I'd hate to see you confused later.
So, my lovely sailor, I'll be your girl in town anytime the waves bring you this way,
but the wispers, the white tissue and the waiting,
the interminable waiting..
It's just not for a city girl like me.
I know better than to love a sailor man, who's only loves are the sea, the freedom and himself.
With that said, let me know the next time you're in town.
If I'm free, if I had the time, perhaps we could have a little fun.
Perhas you'll even say goodbye this once.

With the sincerest affection,
your City's girl.

afirmative action

"que estas haciendo con tu vida, mujer?".. ese fue el punto de partida. en realidad no, en realidad fue la mezcla de licor, jazz y chicago.
filosofia, orgullo y ya fue.
y muchos dias en ese lugar. (no volver por un laargo rato, eh)
dedidida a dejar de ser una larva, a dejar de permititme usar el estado post-post-break up como excusa, me pase la mañana sin dormir. hice la pertinente lista, y alli voy.
cargue las pilas, desempolve la camara y me puse a sacar. claro que no tenia mucho con que trabajar, pero necesitamos la practica. encuadre, color, luz. pulso (necesario).
y mucho poder de decision. oh si.
arme un cd con las fotos que ya tenia, y las imprimi.
tan lindas. oh tan lindas.
calente unos ñoquis de semola, genial.
ya se pondra mas tecnica la cosa. y experimentare filmando, que no es lo mismo.
ya tendre modelos con los que tengo confianza.
ya ganare confianza con los demas.
(i love pictures in bed)
pero si me voy a sentar a esperar que pase, puedo estar toda la vida.
y si me hace feliz, vale el esfuerzo que tengo que ponerle.
tal vez sin el esfuerzo no me haria feliz.

who knew?

if it wouldn't atract me so much, your gigantic ego would annoy me, a lot.
if you knew me at all, you'd know i'm not half as passive as i look.
yet if you knew me at all, what would be the catch?
if you weren't so fucking proud and full of yourself, we'd know what the hell are we getting into.
yet if you were clearer, i wouldn't be this hooked.
if you didn't demand so much of me, my ego would apreciate it.
yet if you weren't so defying, i wouln't have gotten out of my stuck.
if you didn't blew my mind so often, i could think what i say long enough to blow yours.
yet, you show intress more often that you'd like to, i think.

sunday 7 am

realmente ya no estoy para estas cosas de la vida nocturna.
todo bien, salir, gente copada, musica, perros.
pero pies, alcohol caro, gente taza, poco interes.
a quien se le ocurre pasar 5 horas bailando mientras te empujan y se te tiran borrachos encima?
ni hablar de las tandas de musica incomprensible.
ni de la increible sobriedad.
ni de todas las veces que flasheo a uno u otro.
porque me siento tan vieja con 18 años?
yo solia pasarla bien.
solia tener ese gustito a experiencia copada.
y nueva. creo que era eso.
realmente, con la gente copada prefiero sentarme en un living a tomar birra y jugar al domino.
la musica prefiero elegirla yo, y escucharla sentada.
que paso con las charlas de bar, las cenas hasta las 6 de la mañana, las peliculas chinas en canal 7?
sobre todo si hay.. ehm.. cariño de por medio.
(aunque oh que bueno que no estabamos en una casa otra vez, eh?)
y sere mala onda, pero posta, ya fuee.
aguanten las previas que nunca arrancan para la fiesta.
aguante pedir unas pizzas y quedarse dormida en el sillon con una calida almohada.
hay que ser mas como yogur. el si que sabe.
anyway, it has nothing to do with him. there are completaly diffrent situations.
i can have friends i care about and i may wanna hug them or.. be afectuous to them.
i don't see nothing wrong with that. it's not like i'm gonna start something with them or..
well, no, i didn't, and i certanly do not plan to go there. kinda.
it's just two people getting along really well..
right?
anyway, me fui de tema. la cuestion es que uno puede soltar una cana al aire cada tanto y hacer estas cosas, salir, bailar, vestirse perra.
pero realmente esperar pasarla bien, sentirse bien, que sea remotamente parecido, es una ingenuidad.
las desventajas de crecer. bajon, porque me gustaba.
y porque satisfacia una necesidad de.. perrez, que ahora, claro, se ve incompleta.
lo cual sabemos que puede tener consecuencias nefastas si uno no se cuida.
osea que mientras buscamos una valvula de escape segura e inocua, habra que cuidarse.

fresquito.
i got a hair cut. i'm still figuring it out.
i'm still figuring out many, many things.